A public declaration

I've kept my personal life off my blog for the most point and kept my personal life fairly, well, personal. Right now, in this post, I'm going to go against my usual lack of personalness and share what's on my mind.

I woke up today (2 hours before the alarm) with an amazing clarity of mind. A clarity about the 'journey' I've been on for the last 16 months. (For those that don't know, 16 months ago I ended a relationship that I'd been in for 4 years.) I woke up wanting to start a new more anonymous blog about the adventures of me and my singleness - that I shouldn't share my revelations and my life with my friends.
Today, I woke up embracing that I'm single. That because I'm single, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me.

I am hesitant about going farther - but here I go - all or nothing... Over last few months I found myself coming to the thought ... "what's wrong with me? Why am I still single"? I have been for over a year and to be honest it has been a hit to the ego and reinforced the notion there was something wrong with me... And no amount of arguing and affirmations from my friend something along the lines of..."for the last time, there's nothing wrong with you, stop asking!" was going to convince me otherwise.

It with great embarrassment that I confess that in order to answer the 'what's wrong with me' question I searched the infinite number of books on amazon dedicated to 'catching a man'. Well, it was this morning I realized it isn't about that. We don't "catch" each other. It is about figuring out who you are - being it, embracing it and living your life even if it sucks at times. (FYI - I didn't buy any of the books)

But this morning it all changed... I've not been looking at my life with an optimistic lens. Yes, I come home alone to an empty apt, to a life with my cat. I don't have someone that I can curl up next to and watch a movie with. Someone to share cooking duties with in the kitchen... But inversely I don't have to relinquish the bathroom in the morning. I can stare at myself in the mirror as long as I want. I can embrace my inner bed and blanket hog! I can leave my plans flexible until the very last minute.

Since I moved back to the city 11 months ago I've been living a shell of a life. I've been cruisin' the currents of life - with no ownership, just going along because I had to. But I declare, right here, right now; that's over. I'm taking control of my life. My greatest fear is becoming a bitter, angry and desperate woman paralyzed by the fear of ending up alone. And for the last 11 months that's exactly who I've been. I've sat wondering when the perfect life is going to happen to me. I'm fortunate as I have my health, I'm smart and I've got a personality. (should I mention I'm modest, too?)

Do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with the real me? The me that doesn't always take her make-up off before going to bed. The me that loves to read, can get really grumpy when she has to do stuff she doesn't want to and the me who loves the work she does every day at the office (even on a really crap day).

Today I'm wearing a new dress... a fabulous dress that does all the right things to accentuate what's great about my curvy figure. I willingly admit that I hate to shop for clothes (shoes & bags are a different story)... and used clothes as the crutch to hold up the belief that there is something wrong with me. How come I can't fit into the pants, shirts, etc that are designed with the thought that the exact same pair of pants are made for all women of that size. That's madness! The dress I am wearing today is one of the few items purchased that I tried on in a marathon of clothes shopping. I went into a shop, tried on so much that fit and looked good that I actually had to do a selection process (yes, I created selection criteria) to whittle the choices down.

I know that I'm going to continue to have those days when I am sad, lonely or feeling desperate for someone in my life. You can't know the highs in life without having your fair share of lows. But I've just had a 16 month low - I'm in need of creating some highs for myself.

By blogging about me today - I can't hide from the fact that I want to create change in my life. This public declaration makes it real. Something I can't back out of, something that is mine to own. I really want to hold on to the wonderful feeling I have today.

I am woman, hear me purr!