The difference 24-hour makes

I took, on Thursday, the longest bus ride of my life. After being told that there was no longer a position for me to fill, I sat in the office, and just let go. Feeling the load of countless late nights over the last few months slip past me. The nights that I worked on work/projects that would never be seen! The wasted time. The skipped gym appointments. The missed social commitments.

I felt the fear and panic that comes with not knowing what happens next! The anger of not leaving on my own terms! Of not being the one doing the dumping! Oh I sat in my office and I just let it go... and I cried my eyes out.

I immediately called my work BFF and told her. I could barely get the words out. But I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to... come to find out the former boss told folks when he wasn't supposed to either. anyway... I then made a call to a mentor & friend and told him that I'd be able to come out and hang out now that I had a bit more spare time on my hands.

Well that fateful Thursday I waited in line for the bus, got on the bus and faced the journey home. And it has to have been the longest bus ride of my life... I swear, we only went 10 miles an hour the 2 mile ride home. It was treacherous. I tried to not cry. I've made it a personal goal not to cry on the bus. We made it a block when the woman next to me started *itching about work. Oh the irony.. at least she had a job! Oh no, I'm not going to cry! So I put on my iPod... a conspirator in my misery, to be sure. I don't remember the first thing I heard - but it only started to make it worse... so I went to my gym playlist. Upbeat music. Nothing sad, depressing or employment related on that list.

Ok, half way home - no, don't think about the looming fear of unemployment... no, don't think about the calls you'll have to make. Stop thinking about the emptying of your office... ok, 3 more blocks... no tears. no tears. no tears. One block left!

I swear from the moment my foot hit the pavement when getting off the bus - the tears started. I couldn't stop them. I started crying and I couldn't stop - and it wasn't those weak baby tears - this was mascara messy, gut wrenching crying. I still had 3 flights of stairs to climb... I make it to the door, keys in hand - but you have to be able to see the lock!

I get home... I get in bed and I stay there!

I am fortunately able to look back and say it was horrible and I hope to never have to do that again. As you will read in the next post - the following day was infinitely better than this bus ride - but I don't want to forget the ride. I know I'm only up-beat and positive today because I know how fearful I was a few days ago! I am only at the beginning of my unemployment - and I will probably get sad and depressed and panicked again! And if I remember both the positive and the panicked, then I'll be able to get through it!

Life has thrown quite a lot at me over the last year or so ... but I'm not going to let it get to me. As I've heard several times over the last few days - things happen for a reason and I am (sort of) looking forward to what the future has in hold for me! I just hope even Optimist Girl can keep up this optimism!!

a whole new frontier...

there is no way to say it... i am among the organizationally displaced. Also known as forced unemployment.

It happened Thursday at 3:55pm - by my now, former boss... yup, he did it face-to-face in my office. It was painless and over in less than 4 minutes. It wasn't a surprise as I've been semi-expecting it for the last few months. And it certainly wasn't about my performance or the job I've done at my previous employer.

So here I sit several days later... having survived the aftermath of my emotional instability... Thank you to MD for being there... I was an emotional disaster. I was all over the place in short periods of time. I was sad, angry, crying, positive, negative, up-beat, as well as sarcastic and swearing all in a 5-minute timeframe... And I woke up Friday morning - positive. Between the previous evening's pep talk and my brimming optimism - I couldn't help it. But I needed encouragement. I called my peers before I left the house.

I called them to know that I could walk into my office, for the last time. To know, I wouldn't be alone.

I made it into the office and I pulled together the list of folks I wanted to speak to before I left. Folks I wasn't sure how to connect with afterwards... Well I spent between 815am and 2pm speaking with former bosses, clients, co-workers, folks I'd been on projects with and people I'd never met face to face, but I'm proud to call them friend. It was so incredibly affirming when i heard time and time again - that they were shocked to hear I'd no longer be with the company - that it was the company's loss and then they asked... what they could do to help me! I hope that everyone in their lives has the chance to understand the positive impact that they can have on others... I had no idea that I'd made a difference for so many people in their careers and in their lives. People that I really look up to said that they would pass my resume along, that they would help me find my next job.

I walked out of the office for the first time in I can't remember how long, feeling wonderful, affirmed that I'd made a difference for folks. That the work I'd done had a positive impact! I sat on that bus ride home, calm, confident. The world is a scary place right now. Economy isn't doing that hot... employment is sky high... but I just know that it is all going to work out. I sit here tonight able to focus and concentrate on nothing for the first time in months!

Oh I'm worried about my future - but I am controlling what I can control. And I am most of all thankful that for the first time ever I got the positive feedback from those whose opinions matter to me... those at work who actually saw the work I did everyday. Not just the impression of the bosses... but the peers and clients who worked with me side by side every day.

Thank you to all of my friends for being there for me when I needed me most, especially MD.