The difference 24-hour makes

I took, on Thursday, the longest bus ride of my life. After being told that there was no longer a position for me to fill, I sat in the office, and just let go. Feeling the load of countless late nights over the last few months slip past me. The nights that I worked on work/projects that would never be seen! The wasted time. The skipped gym appointments. The missed social commitments.

I felt the fear and panic that comes with not knowing what happens next! The anger of not leaving on my own terms! Of not being the one doing the dumping! Oh I sat in my office and I just let it go... and I cried my eyes out.

I immediately called my work BFF and told her. I could barely get the words out. But I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to... come to find out the former boss told folks when he wasn't supposed to either. anyway... I then made a call to a mentor & friend and told him that I'd be able to come out and hang out now that I had a bit more spare time on my hands.

Well that fateful Thursday I waited in line for the bus, got on the bus and faced the journey home. And it has to have been the longest bus ride of my life... I swear, we only went 10 miles an hour the 2 mile ride home. It was treacherous. I tried to not cry. I've made it a personal goal not to cry on the bus. We made it a block when the woman next to me started *itching about work. Oh the irony.. at least she had a job! Oh no, I'm not going to cry! So I put on my iPod... a conspirator in my misery, to be sure. I don't remember the first thing I heard - but it only started to make it worse... so I went to my gym playlist. Upbeat music. Nothing sad, depressing or employment related on that list.

Ok, half way home - no, don't think about the looming fear of unemployment... no, don't think about the calls you'll have to make. Stop thinking about the emptying of your office... ok, 3 more blocks... no tears. no tears. no tears. One block left!

I swear from the moment my foot hit the pavement when getting off the bus - the tears started. I couldn't stop them. I started crying and I couldn't stop - and it wasn't those weak baby tears - this was mascara messy, gut wrenching crying. I still had 3 flights of stairs to climb... I make it to the door, keys in hand - but you have to be able to see the lock!

I get home... I get in bed and I stay there!

I am fortunately able to look back and say it was horrible and I hope to never have to do that again. As you will read in the next post - the following day was infinitely better than this bus ride - but I don't want to forget the ride. I know I'm only up-beat and positive today because I know how fearful I was a few days ago! I am only at the beginning of my unemployment - and I will probably get sad and depressed and panicked again! And if I remember both the positive and the panicked, then I'll be able to get through it!

Life has thrown quite a lot at me over the last year or so ... but I'm not going to let it get to me. As I've heard several times over the last few days - things happen for a reason and I am (sort of) looking forward to what the future has in hold for me! I just hope even Optimist Girl can keep up this optimism!!