fall has fallen upon us!

OG has moved

so, i have been incredibly delinquent in my blog posting... 2009, the year of change for me, and i've posted none of it. Well, not much of it anyway...

Well, I have moved. I am now living and working in central Tennessee... outside of Nashville for a retailer.

I can't believe how much my life has changed since I started this blog - or how much has changed since I last blogged.

The OG lives in a smaller town outside of Nashville, enjoying the comforts of small town life with a bigger city next door. Gas is cheaper, rent is cheaper, the utilities are certainly cheaper - but that's about it. But I love it.

More to come later. But thought I'd post up that Optimist Girl is now posting from somewhere new!

6 months ago

6 months ago I lost my job to workforce reduction and I 'knew' at the time it would all work out. That I would find a new job, that I would be ok.
Well, here I am ... spending the 2nd to last night in the apartment I have called home for a year and a half. The OG cave will no longer be located in San Francisco... it will now be found in Nashville, and I'm hoping it won't be quite to cave-like but instead full of beautiful sunshine. :) I didn't realize how much I missed having the sun in my windows and having a view that was more than my concrete patio.

I have already spent a week in Nashville and I love it so far. Now admittedly I am working long hours, but I don't care, I love it. It is so green and lush and has rolling hills and lots of trees and it is just so green!

I am very sad to be leaving San Francisco, but here I am exactly 11 years later finding myself moving eastward... I have been yearning to start my life in a new city and this is the perfect chance and I'm thrilled...

more to come...

Scotland: Edinburgh (con't)

As I think that there is a limit to the length of posts so I have to divide everything up.

Here we go... Edinburgh continued...

The Heart of Lothian



This is the back of the church the Queen & family attend when in Edinburgh at Hollyrood Palace (picts to follow)















As the Queen was in residence at Hollyrood, there were few spots to take pictures and all I could get a clear shot of was the fountain in front of the residence. (FYI: traffic was also a mess)











On the local flavor side of things... this pig was in the window of a butchers shop named Oink. This was at the beginning of the day. When I passed the window later... the pig was practically gone.

Scotland: Edinburgh

I was able to make it over to Edinburgh twice during my visit and I had a great time. I really enjoyed the city and was able to do a little bit of everything. I did the tourist thing for sure. I purchased a jump on and off bus tour pass and would highly recommend to anyone going to do the same. I purchased the pass for 4 of the big tour companies as each had a slightly different route which was great to ensure I maximized by tourist time there.

Below are pictures from in and around Edinburgh...

Edinburgh Castle












Sir Walter Scott Monument (265+ steps to the top)




















Looking up the Royal Mile (a name not found on a tourist map of Edinburgh until the 1920s) You can see St Giles Church on the left hand side

Scotland: in random order

So... I'm working on the photos and I realize that the blog is going to be in a bit out of order. And as I'm having tech issues I'm going to be breaking the posts of pictures up...

Random weekend pictures (continued)...
Madderty









More random locations...

Scotland: the first weekend

So I originally was going to be incredibly dedicated and blog every night about what adventures I had during that day... well, as you can guess, that hasn't happened. I was not as dedicated about blogging as I expected. I did however download and label my pictures most nights.
So below are the pictures from the first weekend of driving about. The pictures below may not have happened in the order that they are shown. So please ignore my geography inaccuracies and possibly any mislabeling.

No trip to Scotland is complete without a visit to a distillery... here I am at the Grouse - which used to be Glen Turret which is the oldest distillery in Scotland.









while Mum and I were at the distillery there was a wedding party with the men dressed in kilts...















Many fabulous views...
Here is Loch Earn

















Ok... now here are some random pictures from the rest of the day...

Greetings from Scotland

So two weeks ago I wasn't planning on visiting Scotland. But I was able to use 80,000 miles from US Airways and get a first class roundtrip ticket from San Francisco to Glasgow. I mean, I'm not working at the moment and the ticket would only cost me the price of the taxes and fees for travel... and I can job hunt from anywhere. Plus I'm making international connections while I'm here. :) It is a win all around!

Well, my first day here is a bit of a blur as I was functioning on very little sleep. But Mum and I did head south and hit the shops for a few errands, etc. No pictures of that...

My second day... I slept a million hours, got up late and took a bit of a walk. I walked along the beach path and took a few photos...




The Rail Bridge across the Firth of Forth
















This beach has quite a lot of sea glass... Though not pictured here, I did find a lovely bit of glass with chicken wire running through it.

There are a lot of signs and bike paths and I really liked this suggestion...



I've uploaded my photos from today - but I'll blog about it tomorrow.... it is getting late and if I want to get up tomorrow and actually see more tourist stuff I'd better get to bed sooner rather than later...

long-time no talk & 2nd hand optimism

i know... i've been woefully silent on my blog as of late... sorry. you'd think that as i'm not getting up and going to work every morning that i'd be a more prolific blogger, but alas, i'm not.

The last few weeks have continued to be a roller-coaster of emotions. I'm upbeat and optimistic one day, then ready to crawl under a rock until they are giving jobs away again. I am keeping busy I have approximately 5 job websites that I check every day or so for jobs. I workout every day. I've been working on my bicycle. I now just need to get air in the tires, very important for it to move smoothly down the road. And for all the jobs I apply for, for all the companies that I post my resume to their website - I definitely hit the bottom of the optimism well, and I just felt that I'd never find another job again. Admittedly I'd rather be an optimist and a fool, than a pessimist and right. But even the lack of progress was daunting to me. I have an amazing support system of friends who were always quick to say - you are wonderful and fabulous and you'll be find a company and a job you look forward to going to everyday. And they will want you as much as you want them. Oh that is a lovely thought.

And this week, I made progress on a rather large personal challenge, and I got an email from a consulting firm I'd LOVE to work for and on Friday I got a call back from a software retailer wanting to set up an interview! And I randomly ended up talking to a woman at the bus stop (shock & amazement I know) who is a recruiter! And she understands what I do! It was a trifecta of fabulous progress this week!

YES!

Finally! Progress! 2 interviews in the next few weeks. Oh I know that nothing may come of them, but still - to toil away in the dark - not knowing if you are truly making progress, is hard.

Thank you friends for your 2nd hand optimism! I reserve the right to look to you again for that optimistic boost!

And keep your fingers-crossed for the job interviews to go well!

a few of my fave things...

so today I found a $3.99 used copy of one of my favorite movies... Big Trouble. Not Big Trouble in Little China... but just Big Trouble starring Tim Allen, Rene Russo, Stanley Tucci, and a host of other fabulous actors and actresses! It was unfortunately not a very popular film - but it is so well done and it is quite entertaining. Well, it keeps me laughing no matter how many times I watch it!

I highly recommend it!

the OG's new anthem...

I came across the new OG anthem yesterday. It is a song called "Merry Happy" by Kate Nash. It is a positively up-beat piece of music with some great lyrics... I have included the lyrics below. Check out the song if you have a chance.

Merry Happy...

Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

The difference 24-hour makes

I took, on Thursday, the longest bus ride of my life. After being told that there was no longer a position for me to fill, I sat in the office, and just let go. Feeling the load of countless late nights over the last few months slip past me. The nights that I worked on work/projects that would never be seen! The wasted time. The skipped gym appointments. The missed social commitments.

I felt the fear and panic that comes with not knowing what happens next! The anger of not leaving on my own terms! Of not being the one doing the dumping! Oh I sat in my office and I just let it go... and I cried my eyes out.

I immediately called my work BFF and told her. I could barely get the words out. But I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to... come to find out the former boss told folks when he wasn't supposed to either. anyway... I then made a call to a mentor & friend and told him that I'd be able to come out and hang out now that I had a bit more spare time on my hands.

Well that fateful Thursday I waited in line for the bus, got on the bus and faced the journey home. And it has to have been the longest bus ride of my life... I swear, we only went 10 miles an hour the 2 mile ride home. It was treacherous. I tried to not cry. I've made it a personal goal not to cry on the bus. We made it a block when the woman next to me started *itching about work. Oh the irony.. at least she had a job! Oh no, I'm not going to cry! So I put on my iPod... a conspirator in my misery, to be sure. I don't remember the first thing I heard - but it only started to make it worse... so I went to my gym playlist. Upbeat music. Nothing sad, depressing or employment related on that list.

Ok, half way home - no, don't think about the looming fear of unemployment... no, don't think about the calls you'll have to make. Stop thinking about the emptying of your office... ok, 3 more blocks... no tears. no tears. no tears. One block left!

I swear from the moment my foot hit the pavement when getting off the bus - the tears started. I couldn't stop them. I started crying and I couldn't stop - and it wasn't those weak baby tears - this was mascara messy, gut wrenching crying. I still had 3 flights of stairs to climb... I make it to the door, keys in hand - but you have to be able to see the lock!

I get home... I get in bed and I stay there!

I am fortunately able to look back and say it was horrible and I hope to never have to do that again. As you will read in the next post - the following day was infinitely better than this bus ride - but I don't want to forget the ride. I know I'm only up-beat and positive today because I know how fearful I was a few days ago! I am only at the beginning of my unemployment - and I will probably get sad and depressed and panicked again! And if I remember both the positive and the panicked, then I'll be able to get through it!

Life has thrown quite a lot at me over the last year or so ... but I'm not going to let it get to me. As I've heard several times over the last few days - things happen for a reason and I am (sort of) looking forward to what the future has in hold for me! I just hope even Optimist Girl can keep up this optimism!!

a whole new frontier...

there is no way to say it... i am among the organizationally displaced. Also known as forced unemployment.

It happened Thursday at 3:55pm - by my now, former boss... yup, he did it face-to-face in my office. It was painless and over in less than 4 minutes. It wasn't a surprise as I've been semi-expecting it for the last few months. And it certainly wasn't about my performance or the job I've done at my previous employer.

So here I sit several days later... having survived the aftermath of my emotional instability... Thank you to MD for being there... I was an emotional disaster. I was all over the place in short periods of time. I was sad, angry, crying, positive, negative, up-beat, as well as sarcastic and swearing all in a 5-minute timeframe... And I woke up Friday morning - positive. Between the previous evening's pep talk and my brimming optimism - I couldn't help it. But I needed encouragement. I called my peers before I left the house.

I called them to know that I could walk into my office, for the last time. To know, I wouldn't be alone.

I made it into the office and I pulled together the list of folks I wanted to speak to before I left. Folks I wasn't sure how to connect with afterwards... Well I spent between 815am and 2pm speaking with former bosses, clients, co-workers, folks I'd been on projects with and people I'd never met face to face, but I'm proud to call them friend. It was so incredibly affirming when i heard time and time again - that they were shocked to hear I'd no longer be with the company - that it was the company's loss and then they asked... what they could do to help me! I hope that everyone in their lives has the chance to understand the positive impact that they can have on others... I had no idea that I'd made a difference for so many people in their careers and in their lives. People that I really look up to said that they would pass my resume along, that they would help me find my next job.

I walked out of the office for the first time in I can't remember how long, feeling wonderful, affirmed that I'd made a difference for folks. That the work I'd done had a positive impact! I sat on that bus ride home, calm, confident. The world is a scary place right now. Economy isn't doing that hot... employment is sky high... but I just know that it is all going to work out. I sit here tonight able to focus and concentrate on nothing for the first time in months!

Oh I'm worried about my future - but I am controlling what I can control. And I am most of all thankful that for the first time ever I got the positive feedback from those whose opinions matter to me... those at work who actually saw the work I did everyday. Not just the impression of the bosses... but the peers and clients who worked with me side by side every day.

Thank you to all of my friends for being there for me when I needed me most, especially MD.

a grand compliment

so last night I went to a birthday/housewarming party a friend was hosting where I met his girlfriend for the first time, and she apparently reads this blog. She is the first person I've met who reads this blog who I didn't know already. She was complimentary about what I write here and that means a lot to me. I guess I knew that people read what I write - but I didn't realize that people who didn't actually know me, would linger and read...

As I look back over the posts over the last few months - I guess I wrote more about me about my life, my mood, my thoughts than I realized. The most humbling part of her compliment was that she could identify with what I wrote. I don't recall why I really started my blog 2 or so years ago - but I guess it was because I wanted to share my thoughts and find a new way to connect with people. And I've done just that. Who knew?!

So what now? It doesn't change what I write here... heck, it may mean I write more of what I'm thinking... but perhaps this is the sign that I was looking for - to start writing something more substantial. A book? Do more to get my blog out there (which means I'd actually have to spell and grammar check this more thoroughly)? Who knows. Maybe I just keep on going the way I have...

Either way - thank you for the compliment - it means a lot to me.

if my office is bugged

they must get a real laugh at my singing. I will quite happily sing what ever comes on my iPod or Pandora music channel (how well I know the lyrics is not dependent on my singing the song). At the moment, I'm singing Chris DeBurg's Lady In Red. A favorite and one of the first single records I ever bought. Walking on sunshine was the first. I don't really count the Muppet records...

Anyway to the people who may have listening devices in my office - I don't apologize for my singing. Consider it a punishment for listening in!

ooo... George Michael, Careless Whisper...

a little TOO connected

Ok - so like any woman with a secret identity... I like to keep my professional options open. I have a list of companies I'd absolutely love to work for. In no particular Google, Apple, Yahoo, eBay, Microsoft, and others... Well I came across a job at Apple the other day and I had to apply for it! HAD TO!

Like most job websites it asks for a web log-in... and it indicated that I can use my Apple iTunes log-in... um. ok. But I buy crappy music with my Apple iTunes log in. I don't my future job prospects with a company I want to work for put in jeopardy because I bought on iTunes... well, it isn't important what I bought - suffice it to say that my tastes don't discriminate. I really do enjoy some pretty fabulous crap music.

But it is a scary thought that my resume, job application and my music purchases are all accessed under the same Apple log in.

The world just got a little smaller! and a little more creepy in a fabulous technology sort of way.

Bacon Invasion

I for one welcome our bacon overlords.

It seems that everything is tied and or connected to bacon. Let's go beyond the whole ham, pork chop, pig's feet thing - it goes much deeper. Even if I were a veggie - and I assure you this bacon lovin' OG is no veggie - I could get my hands on bacon. Perhaps not tasty bacon - but "bacon" none the less...

In fact, the bacon invasion is so far along that the bacon options are almost infinite... turkey "bacon", veggie "bacon", "real" "bacon" "taste"... you get my drift. A friend shared that at a recent work breakfast event - there were no fewer than 3 "bacon" choices!

Bacon is coming to get you! You are surrounded! It is everywhere. In your bacon mayo, in your baco-bits... even bacon favor in your bacon lip gloss!

Dare I quote the borg (bacon-eaters to the last)...

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

Welcome bacon overlords - I will take you to my leader... Though the multi-nationalness of the OG makes it hard for me to take you to just one - and do you mean leader of the country, or the company I work for. I'm still not sure who my direct boss is - so um... I'll take you to my cat, Max - he's the one I'm usually trying to ensure is happy so that my furniture doesn't get scratched.

Well I should end this blog post before it descends into true ridiculousness... (ok, it already did but I deleted it)

short story: ALL HAIL OUR BACON RULERS!!! LONG LIVE THE BACON NATION! (true, real, magical pig bacon)

Using only one word...

Another email I received - and instead of spamming everyone - here you go...

Where is your cell phone? desk
Your significant other? N/A
Your hair? brown
Your mother? interesting
Your father? idiot
Your favorite thing? books
Your dream last night? intense
Your favorite drink? wine
Your dream/goal? fun
What room are you in? work
Your hobby? friends
Your fear? alone
Where do you want to be in 6 years? content
Where were you last night? sad
Something that you aren't? you
Wish list item? laptop
Last thing you did? sipped
What are you wearing? clothes
TV? awesome
Your pets? cat
Friends? fabulous
Your life? good
Your mood? topsy-turvy
Missing someone? always
Drinking? water
Smoking? blick
Your car? MINE
Something you're not wearing? hat
Your favorite store? target
Your favorite colour? pink
When is the last time you cried? yesterday
Who will resend this? blog
Where do you go to over and over? Crazytown
Five people who email me regularly? Cat, Mum, spam, Nigerians, Cat
My favorite place to eat? out
Favorite place I'd like to be at right now? content
Four people I think will respond? still, blogging

my favorite movie quote of the night

So I am watching an odd film. You Kill Me Staring Ben Kingsley, Tea Leoni, Luke Wilson, Bill Pullman, Dennis Farina, and a ton of other fab stars. I love the independent film... star studded casts and interesting dark humor plots.

So far my favorite line by Ben Kingsley a recovering alcoholic hit man...
"I don't regret killing them - I just regret killing them badly".

I should mention this film was made in San Francisco. So fabulous to see random bits of the city...

I highly recommend you Netflix it if you can... it is quite dark, I mean the guy is an alcoholic hit man who is sent to SF from Buffalo, to sober up! I mean, seriously - his sponsor is Luke Wilson and his girlfriend is Tea! And don't say I'm ruining the movie - you would have read these tid-bits in the movie synopsis.

So the whole point - go and watch!

smart(ish) TV

I'm totally in love with TV. Actually, I should re-phrase that - My name is OG and I'm addicted to TV. There's a reason I don't have cable/dish... not just the cost, but the fact that I can't turn off the TV once it is on. I *heart* TV. Now I say this, but I don't *heart* reality TV. I just can't/won't get into it. Reality is enough for me, thanks. TV is all about escapism for me.

I particularly love most things with "Star" in the title. Star Trek and it's variations. StarGate and all of it's variations... you get the point. (Note: don't watch Star Search)

I'm also woefully addicted to TV that is "smart", "funny" and ties back to "science"... X-files - loved it! But there's this new category of mass smart-ish TV... Bones. Always learn something new. Fringe. Always get some crazy idea from that show. House. Well it's a doctor show, minimal character drama. CSI. Tend to learn something from it. Chuck is spy fluff - but I love how it tries to be smart.

I love this upswing in smart-ish TV. Yes, fiction can be fun - but it doesn't have to be totally without education or learning power! Though I suppose if it has truth in it does that make it non-fiction?

Carp.

Oh well. I love the psuedo-smart TV that's on these days. Bring it on! Especially as there are no more "Stars" on TV until later this year with StarGate: Universe.

Sigh.

have you ever...

wanted to burst into song and dance in the middle of the street in the middle of downtown San Francisco on your way to the office on a Friday morning? Or is it just me?

I spryly walked off the bus this morning (I was like a gazelle for the visual readers) and walked to the corner and while listening to a The Killers song I wanted to burst into a dance number in the middle of the street. Which had me wondering what the other folks around me would do if I suddenly did. I mean, I live in SF - capital of fabulous craziness. Would they stare at me? Probably. Would they join in? Possibly. So what logistics would I need to work out in order to coordinate in order to burst out into song and dance in the middle of downtown SF? Music. Something to play the music on/with. Dancing shoes. Which to be honest, if you can stand on a bus for 20 minutes holding a cup of coffee, wearing heels, and the bus driver thinks s/he is auditioning for NASCAR and you stay upright - you can dance in them. So covered on that front. Costume? Well, if I take a cue from the movies - I would wear what I usually do. No need to buy anything there either... Confederates. Well, that's a tough one, as I only know 2 other people who work downtown and I don't know that either would sing and dance with me...

Now I know it is possible to do it as last year a dance troupe did this kinda thing... where they randomly burst into dance. But I'm thinking more the Broadway/Movie Musical kinda thing. Everyone stops what they are doing - dances and then continues on their way - as if the dancing was a moment in time, an outward expression of their inner emotions. Song and dance - the communication method of our souls...

Ok - maybe I'm going a little far - but seriously... I really had this strong urge to dance and sing right there and then...

Well, as I give in to our social constrains around public song and dance - I will rock out in my office instead!

And so I leave you with my FAVORITE song of all time... by Katrina & the Waves... I'm Walking on Sunshine...

Oh! Ohhhh yeeeh
I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me your coming around

I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!

Hey , alright now
and dont it feel good!!
hey yeh

I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don't want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you
now I don't want u back for the weekend
not back for a day , no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay

woah yeh!
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!

Hey , alright now
and don't it feel good!!
hey yeh ,oh yeh
and don't it feel good!!

walking on sunshine
walking on sunshine

I feel the love,I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real

I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm on sunshine baby oh

I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah

and don't it feel good!!
I'll say it again now
and don't it feel good!!

Rabbit Hole Day....

A friend forwarded this to me... so fellow bloggers - get working on an alternative style!

Rabbit Hole Day: January 27th -- change your blogging style!

Posted by Cory Doctorow, January 13, 2009 11:37 PM

Livejournaller Crisper points out that January 27th (Lewis Carroll's birthday) is the fifth annual "Rabbit Hole Day," wherein bloggers and journallers change their blogging style for 24h. I'll be getting off an overnight flight returning from the awesome Cryptic Confusion science fiction convention outside of Detroit that morning, but who knows, maybe I'll whomp up a post or two about my personal life, pets, or similar on the cab ride back into town...

January 27th is the birthday of Lewis Carrol, author of ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND. Alice fell down a rabbit hole into a place where everything had changed and none of the rules could be counted on to apply anymore. I say, let's do the same: January 27th, 2005 should be the First Annual LiveJournal Rabbit Hole Day. When you post on that Thursday, instead of the normal daily life and work and news and politics, write about the strange new world you have found yourself in for the day, with its strange new life and work and news and politics. Are your pets talking back at you now? Has your child suddenly grown to full adulthood? Does everyone at work think you're someone else now? Did Bush step down from the White House to become a pro-circuit tap-dancer? Did Zoroastrian missionaries show up on your doorstep with literature in 3-D? Have you been placed under house arrest by bizarre insectoid women wielding clubs made of lunchmeat?

Let's have a day where nobody's life makes sense anymore, where any random LJ you click on will bring you some strange new tale. Let's all fall down the Rabbit Hole for 24 hours and see what's there. It will be beautiful.

Mark your calendars: January 27th is Rabbit Hole Day (via Warren Ellis)

i tried something different

so - I've catalogued in the past how I have some pretty birlliant ideas for blog posts and I promptly forget them by the time I get to sit in front of my computer. As I can be taught, I started to write the ideas down so that I wouldn't forget... except I've lost the piece of paper and I don't remember the topics!

Only one flaw in my otherwise brilliant plan... my lack of memory! grumble.

my last grasp on the 20th century

I love technology. I am not always the first adopter - but I love new technology and if cost was irrelevant I would have the latest and greatest. For example, I do have a relatively new TV and DVD player. I use a Mac as my laptop. I want an iPhone - but practicality and a contract dictate I'll not be getting one for a bit yet.

I have earned some points at work that I can use to purchase fun and interesting prizes. I was cruisin' the site trying to figure out what to get. I'm completely torn. I want everything yet nothing... I checked pretty much every page, looking at everything. And I came across the electronics and thought - well perhaps it is time for a new stereo. My current stereo was purchased in 1994 and features a dual tape deck, 6-CD changer and AM/FM radio! It is really cool and I love it. But it might be the time to upgrade.

As I was looking at them - they all have iPod pull-ins and AM/FM radios - some CD players however not a one had a tape deck! NO TAPE DECK!?!?! How will I play my tapes? How will I listen to my favorite mixes that folks have made for me? WHAT WOULD I DO?!?!?!?

So it is with great sadness that I turn away from a new stereo. If the 21st century doesn't have any tapes then I want no part of it!

the next day

Here I sit. 72 hours after the most revealing blog post I've ever thought about writing. Am I wishing I could take the post back? Sort of. Am I embarassed? Only slightly more than a little. Do I feel as stongly today as I did Friday? Yes I do.

Of course, I don't know what to say now. What does one say when one reveals one's most inner thoughts and vulnerabilities? Hope for a positive reaction I suppose.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what's in store for me ahead. I'm trying to keep busy at work. I'm making going out plans for the weekend. Must hit the gym tonight. There's little point in being happy and thrilled with life and skipping the gym.

Back on that treadmill again!

A public declaration

I've kept my personal life off my blog for the most point and kept my personal life fairly, well, personal. Right now, in this post, I'm going to go against my usual lack of personalness and share what's on my mind.

I woke up today (2 hours before the alarm) with an amazing clarity of mind. A clarity about the 'journey' I've been on for the last 16 months. (For those that don't know, 16 months ago I ended a relationship that I'd been in for 4 years.) I woke up wanting to start a new more anonymous blog about the adventures of me and my singleness - that I shouldn't share my revelations and my life with my friends.
Today, I woke up embracing that I'm single. That because I'm single, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me.

I am hesitant about going farther - but here I go - all or nothing... Over last few months I found myself coming to the thought ... "what's wrong with me? Why am I still single"? I have been for over a year and to be honest it has been a hit to the ego and reinforced the notion there was something wrong with me... And no amount of arguing and affirmations from my friend something along the lines of..."for the last time, there's nothing wrong with you, stop asking!" was going to convince me otherwise.

It with great embarrassment that I confess that in order to answer the 'what's wrong with me' question I searched the infinite number of books on amazon dedicated to 'catching a man'. Well, it was this morning I realized it isn't about that. We don't "catch" each other. It is about figuring out who you are - being it, embracing it and living your life even if it sucks at times. (FYI - I didn't buy any of the books)

But this morning it all changed... I've not been looking at my life with an optimistic lens. Yes, I come home alone to an empty apt, to a life with my cat. I don't have someone that I can curl up next to and watch a movie with. Someone to share cooking duties with in the kitchen... But inversely I don't have to relinquish the bathroom in the morning. I can stare at myself in the mirror as long as I want. I can embrace my inner bed and blanket hog! I can leave my plans flexible until the very last minute.

Since I moved back to the city 11 months ago I've been living a shell of a life. I've been cruisin' the currents of life - with no ownership, just going along because I had to. But I declare, right here, right now; that's over. I'm taking control of my life. My greatest fear is becoming a bitter, angry and desperate woman paralyzed by the fear of ending up alone. And for the last 11 months that's exactly who I've been. I've sat wondering when the perfect life is going to happen to me. I'm fortunate as I have my health, I'm smart and I've got a personality. (should I mention I'm modest, too?)

Do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with the real me? The me that doesn't always take her make-up off before going to bed. The me that loves to read, can get really grumpy when she has to do stuff she doesn't want to and the me who loves the work she does every day at the office (even on a really crap day).

Today I'm wearing a new dress... a fabulous dress that does all the right things to accentuate what's great about my curvy figure. I willingly admit that I hate to shop for clothes (shoes & bags are a different story)... and used clothes as the crutch to hold up the belief that there is something wrong with me. How come I can't fit into the pants, shirts, etc that are designed with the thought that the exact same pair of pants are made for all women of that size. That's madness! The dress I am wearing today is one of the few items purchased that I tried on in a marathon of clothes shopping. I went into a shop, tried on so much that fit and looked good that I actually had to do a selection process (yes, I created selection criteria) to whittle the choices down.

I know that I'm going to continue to have those days when I am sad, lonely or feeling desperate for someone in my life. You can't know the highs in life without having your fair share of lows. But I've just had a 16 month low - I'm in need of creating some highs for myself.

By blogging about me today - I can't hide from the fact that I want to create change in my life. This public declaration makes it real. Something I can't back out of, something that is mine to own. I really want to hold on to the wonderful feeling I have today.

I am woman, hear me purr!

home

i made it home! in one piece if only a few hours late. but i'm here.

you don't realize how much you miss it until you come back. you tell yourself when you are gone that it's ok... but when i walked in the door... sigh...

just happy to be home.

and for those of you who've met Max - he's not that mad at me. We had a chat and we had a snuggle.

of course i might be misreading the signs and he could keep me awake all night out of revenge for being gone so long... but i'm so tired, it might not work.

the grande beach finale

Well in 24 hours my mom and I will be checking-in to our hotel in Orlando, having left the beach behind.

I always enjoy the time away from my life in San Francisco - able to keep the routine simple. Wake-up. Coffee. Work (if appropriate). Lunch. Sun. Back to work (again if appropriate). Dinner. Relax. No commuting. Fabulous.

However, after 3 weeks of being away - it is now time to go home and re-integrate back into San Francisco society. Work. Sushi. Commuting. Work. All you can drink sake Saturday nights. Chilly weather. Singing. And most importantly friends.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, so they say. I don't know about that. But distance certainly makes one appreciate the time at the tree house and the time at home.

Watch out SF - consider this your warning - in 48 hours I'll be home!

a smidge of Van Damme to bring in the new year

So here I sit on January 1 - at the mercy of someone else's remote/TV preferences/choices. And the remote "seems" to be paused on a Jean-Claude Van Damme flick. [The "Movie" label seems like giving the 'movie' too much credit.]

I'm horrified by not just the less than stellar acting ability, the fight scenes but the editing and consistency is atrocious! I ask in any 'awful' movie that at least one thing is done well. Fight scene or editing or music or consistency, something. Don't stink on all fronts, please! I just watched JCVD go from wearing a sweatshirt in one fight scene, to beating someone up while wearing a tank top, then back to the sweater for the next fight where the sweatshirt is then ripped off - not to reveal a tank top but just a bare chest! where did the tank top go?

I know I search for meaning in a JCVD film is a bit of a stretch - but hey, as I said I'm only looking for 1 thing that isn't terrible in the film. Usually you can get least get fabulous costumes or something!

Maybe next time...

wrapping 2008...

Well 2008 was a busy year for me and the general consensus is that 2008 kinda sucked and 2009 shows promise. Even as the eternal optimist (with a splash of realist) I am happy to put 2008 behind me. Overall it wasn't a terrible year, just not my best yet.

I'm not one for New Year resolutions, but I think I can safely say I have a few things I want to ensure I do differently or be more aware of in 2009.

To the friends who read my blog - thank you for being a friend! Remember that often you don't realize the impact you have on others lives.

And to my bro-in-law, I promise to continue the usual OG gossip and to include more vingettes about how wonderful and fabulous you are... so please no extreme antics necessary to make it to the OG blog. (btw, thank you for making my sister happy)

So I raise my morning cup of coffee and offer a toast: Here's to what I continue to believe will be a better (perhaps a little less tumultuous) 2009 for all! Cheers!